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{the rape of peace, exploitation of love, and the chemical dependency of happiness or, the smile friends} jamie nershi Love was a portly, valentine candy red, polyester fuzz covered ape. Love lived on the third shelf, of the second bookcase back, in the Hallmark Collectibles store at a vaguely named mall. Love came to America in a 4x2 cardboard box from Beijing where Love was made in a sweatshop for fractions of a cent (the markup on Love was roughly 2000%). Love’s next door neighbors were Peace (a wide eyed, sky blue, huggable plush, deer fawn) and Happiness (a terrycloth, banana yellow, penguin with bright blue eyes). The back stories of Happiness and Peace varied little from that of Love; they were packaged in little boxes and held together by small stitches. Every morning Love, Peace, and Happiness tottered out of the Hallmark store and into the mall to spread their message to the yearning masses. When the three friends held hands they could sense Unlove, Unpeace, and Unhappiness and they would scurry to the Chic-Filet, Hot Topic or Abercrombie store to combat the forces of unpleasantness. Every morning, Love awoke and gracefully navigated her way to the floor, leaving behind her beanie baby bed in order to partake in a breakfast of chalky candy hearts. The hearts had phrases imprinted into their faces, such as Honey Pie, Sweet Stuff, Butter Cup, and other confectionary pet names. Peace awoke everyday and trotted out of her plastic Easter grass bed. She then would graze on marshmallows until her hunger was satisfied. And every morning up until now, Happiness without fail would follow suit waddling from his shelf bed surrounded by snow globes to the candy case where he would gorge himself on jelly beans. Love, Peace, and Happiness would then indulge in a morning group giggle and grasp hands and prepare to face the mall people. This particular morning brought forward Peace and Love, and after both had chewed their morning helping of sweets, they begun a lengthy debate in regards to puppies and kitties. Peace had just conjectured that “kitties were the cutest”, when Love realized Happiness had not joined them. Peace and Love ran to Happiness’s bed secretly fearing their friend had left this world and gone to the big candy factory in the sky (this is the prevailing belief which all Smile Friend dogma is centered around). They arrived at Happiness’s Bed and to both Peace and Love’s relief, Happiness was found still alive, and still in bed. Peace and Love both questioned why their friend was still in bed (“sleepy time land”). They asked if he had a “tummy ache” (the only disease which Smile Friends were known to suffer from). Happiness assured his friends he was not ill, but rather had just been doing a lot of thinking. Peace and Love prodded Happiness to explain further (“Like wadd-aya mean thinking?”). Happiness explained that he had been struggling with his place in the world. He could not recall the last time the Smile Friends had actually helped someone. He had thought about those they tried to help everyday and had come to the conclusion they did not deserve to be helped. Happiness told of how he came to be aware of the mall people’s lust and hunger for material things and how it made his bile rise (Smile Friends do indeed have gall bladders and bile, however the rest of their digestive track is far more complex and entirely foreign when compared to that of a human being). Happiness said that he had at first pitied these people, but now he hated them and hated the way they equated happiness with blue jeans, big screen televisions, and scented body washes. Happiness then explained to his friends how this morning he had simply not been able to find enough courage to face the miserable inhabitants of the mall. Happiness continued on (with a growing urgency), eventually ending in saying he feared the entire Smile Friend existence was a lie, and how he now felt the biggest step the Smile Friends could make towards making the world a better place wasn’t helping people find their keys at Foot Locker or giving sweets to spoiled children, but rather Happiness thought the Smile Friends would help far more people by burning the mall to the ground, with the mall people inside if necessary. Happiness inquired after a long pause and a few deep breaths if Peace and Love ever thought about stuff. Peace assured Happiness that her and Love thought constantly about “stuff” and had, just previous to talking with Happiness, been thinking about puppies and kitties and which were the cutest. Happiness sunk deep into bed and pulled the covers up to his eyeballs. Happiness eventually agreed to leave his bed under a single condition. He would whole heartedly pursue unhappiness, unpeace, and unlove, and try to combat them, however if on this day they failed to help one person worthy of being helped, he would leave the Smile Friends and make his own way in the world. Love and Peace begrudgingly agreed to Happiness’s condition and together the Smile Friends prepared to face the world beyond the confines of The Hallmark Store. The Gap was a swirl of khakis, non abrasive heavy duty pre shrunk cotton t-shirts, and holiday print 100% cotton boxer briefs. The Smile Friends had sensed someone in the back of the store was feeling unpleasant and was dangerously close to becoming unhappy. An angelic preadolescent girl stood crying, a pinwheel lollipop in pieces at her feet. Love approached first and attempted to console the young girl. The girl’s sadness quickly morphed into terror upon seeing the huggable cartoonish ape tugging at the hem of her dress. This is not to mention the bright yellow penguin and baby blue deer the ape tottering in tow. The Smile Friends eventually managed to calm the girl and then give her a brief summary of their mission statement. They then inquired if a “new lolli” would make the girl happy. The girl replied by saying a new lolli would not make her “happy” but rather make her “a fat cow, who no one could ever love”. Love tried to reason with the girl, saying little girls are supposed to have lollies. The little girl fired back “only fat little piggy girls eat lollies” and “little girls with national advertising campaigns, take TrimSpa and drink Diet Coke”. Happiness tried to explain how it was what was inside that really counted and beauty was only skin … etc. etc. The little girl replied flatly “tell that to my fucking agent.” Happiness shuffled his feet as he followed Peace and Love to the food court. They had not sensed a disturbance but had sensed a craving for a Nanna Cream Dream Orange Julius. The line for Orange Julius snaked past the Sun Glass Hut and No Fear store. The trio stepped into line and began to wait, passing the time by talking about baby animals and candy, and by partaking in copious amounts of snuggling, cuddling, and hugging. After a wait of nearly an hour the Smile Friends stepped forward to the counter to place their order, unfortunately before they had time to speak, a twenty something man with frosted hair and an armband tattoo stepped in front of the three friends and placed his own order. Love tried to explain that the three friends had been in line (“Hey mista we were in line.”). The young man assured the Smile Friends that they were still in line. Peace reiterated her desire for refreshment (“I wan a nanna cream dream!”). The young man queried the trio in regards to their sexual orientation (“What are you guys a bunch of fags?”). Love explained how they were Smile Friends sent to spread general niceness and battle unpleasantness at the mall. The armband tattoo human proposed that perhaps the three friends could “go blow each other” and by the time they returned, it would be their turn. Happiness began to fume, telling the stranger he simply could not do what he was doing (“You can’t do that!”) because it was simply not something a decent person did to his fellow man. Armband guy told Happiness that he agreed but was afraid he must inform Happiness that “you little homos are not my fellow man”. Happiness finally exploded making several curt observations in regards to the man’s tattoo (“That’s the worst tattoo I’ve ever seen, did you get it at frat camp?”). The armband tattoo man turned and removed the top from his just purchased Orange Julius and proceeded to dump the contents onto Happiness’s head. And so it was thusly Happiness left Peace, Love, and the mall behind, cursing mankind and dripping of Orange Julius. The departure of Happiness effectively disbanded the Smile Friends. Unable to sense where trouble was afoot, Love and Peace wandered the mall aimlessly, occasionally being trampled and continuously subjected to torment. To compound the pair’s woes, the Hallmark Store closed its doors a week after Happiness’s departure. It became clear to Love at this point that people in general were no longer nice, and further the closing of the Hallmark store signaled they were no longer willing to even feign goodwill. And so it was thusly Love cried jawbreaker sized tears and left the mall as Happiness had done before her, leaving Peace behind for good. Peace maintained a nomadic existence within the confines of the mall. She constantly lamented the departure of her friends, and cowered in all corners of the mall constantly; too intimidated to even think of combating the evil she saw every which way she turned. Peace would spend the majority of her day weeping on a faux wood bench in the food court where she had so often drank her Nanna Cream Dream Orange Julius with her friends. It was there during a particularly lengthy weeping session that Peace met the Texan. The Texan was a tall man with a large glinting belt buckle, mirrored sunglasses and a toothpick hanging from the corner of his smirking mouth. The Texan sat on the bench next to Peace and questioned as to just what all the fuss was about. Peace explained how her friends had come to leave and how her home had been converted to a Spencer’s Gifts. The Texan offered his condolences. “Gee I’m sorry” he said, “But you know, the mall is no place for a deer.” Peace’s sobbing had dampened to little more than a whimper as she composed herself and queried as to where a place for a deer was exactly. The Texan explained how the mountains, the plains or even a ranch were all better suited for a deer. Peace was dismayed and informed the Texan that she didn’t know of any such places let alone how to find them. The Texan informed Peace that it was her lucky day, “Well, it just so happens I own a ranch and it also just so happens I’m headed that way right now.” Peace asked the farmer what the ranch was like. The Texan explained that the ranch had previously been a mess of brush and fallen trees, however the Texan had spent the past eight years clearing brush and burning dead trees, and now the ranch was wide open with plenty of space to frolic about. Peace felt hope flooding back into her life and eventually built up enough courage to ask the Texan if she could come live on his ranch. “I don’t see a good reason why not.” The Texan replied... Peace followed the Texan to the parking lot where the man stopped at a darkly colored conversion van, covered with magnetic yellow ribbons and with all of its windows blacked out by American flag stickers. The Texan opened the back door of the van and Peace readily entered (Naivety is the only genetic trait that has been successfully mapped in Smile Friend DNA due to it’s prevalence). Now it was at this point the Texan should have closed the door, walked around the van to the driver’s seat and driven Peace to his Texas ranch, where Peace could have run free and grown old. However as luck would have it, the Texan did none of these things. The Texan instead pushed himself into the van, slammed the door and proceeded to rape Peace. Peace cried, begged and pleaded for the Texan to stop offering what little resistance she could, however the Texan only continued to rape, hoot, and holler in response. The Texan finished and upon catching his breath, he assured Peace that she had done her country a good service; he had then laughed and thrown his spent toothpick in Peace’s face. The Texan opened the door and signaled for Peace to leave and then began to paw at his shirt pocket for a fresh toothpick. Peace wandered the parking lot bleary eyed, bleeding, and broken. She wandered for what could and may have been days, until eventually collapsing in the shade of a solemn tree in the corner of the parking lot. And it was there, after many tears, that Peace finally slept. Peace dreamt of Love and Happiness, Texas and tear drops. Peace awoke to a barrage of sound streaming from the windows of a Subaru Outback. A band of unkempt teenagers exited the car as the jam band music pouring out of the open doors stopped. Peace had held her eyes closed tightly and grasped back out at sleep. It was then while trying to capture pieces of her interrupted dream that a voice spoke up. “Are you okay little guy?” Peace opened her eyes and saw the band of unkempt Caucasian teenagers standing above her with concerned looks on their faces. No, Peace was not okay. She informed the teens that she was both dirty and sad. One teen, scooped Peace up into his arms and held her like a baby proclaiming that everything would be “all right”. The teens brought Peace back into the mall under Peace’s protest. They bought her an Orange Julius and ran a bath in the sink of the bathroom cattycorner to Sears. The teens left the bathroom in order to give Peace her privacy but insured that they would return to help nurse her scrapes and cuts. Peace let the water run over her body as tears streamed down her face. She scrubbed herself with soap. She turned the hot water up until it scolded her polyester fibers. Peace scrubbed and scrubbed but came to find that not all the water and soap in the entire world could clean her. Two hours later Peace left the bathroom conceding that her friends wouldn’t be returning. The teens had every intention of returning, however they had instead wandered around in various altered states until each and everyone had ended up distracted, entertained, or employed. Peace dropped her head and saw only linoleum and intermittent tears as she made her way out of the mall. Upon exiting the mall Peace broke into a sprint, and sped towards the thick lines of traffic created by people hurriedly entering the mall and fleeing it. Peace did not hesitate; she lowered her head and ran full speed into the speeding stream of cars. And so it was thusly Peace left Happiness, Love, the mall, toothpicks, and this world behind, and headed for the big candy factory in the sky. Around the same time that Peace expired in the gutter of a shitty mall, Love was being exploited heavily. Love’s decline began as most do, with a man in an expensive looking suit. Love had wandered the streets of the city terrified until she met Slim. He told Love that she was very pretty, and if she wore a bit of makeup she could be an actress, heck maybe even a model. To say Love was naďve would be like calling Karl Rove kind of evil. Love had never had any desire to be an actress; the idea had never entered, crossed, or exited her mind, however Slim made it sound so glamorous. He showed Love the time of her life that first night. He said these were the things that came with being an actress. He bought her new clothes, the first clothes Love ever wore. Love was terribly hungry from her stretch on the street so Slim fed her a pile of sweets at an expensive restaurant. He had then taken Love to a beautiful party, in a beautiful house, that was filled with nothing but beautiful people. Love drank champagne and giggled at the way the bubbles tickled her nose. Love sped through the remainder of the night meeting new people, laughing and smiling, and feeling just about perfect. And at the end of the night Slim parked his convertible under the Hollywood sign looking out at the lights of the city and made tender, gentle love, to Love. Slim even told Love that he loved her “I love you Love” he said stroking the cotton strings of her hair. And at that moment Love had felt utterly complete and all of her ails seemingly crumbled to dust and blew away. It had not taken long after that night. Slim began to send Love on “auditions” where she was introduced to the casting couch. She had refused the first man, he had just stood there all chest hair and gold chains, chewing a thick cigar between his yellow teeth and said “Well if you don’t fuck, then what in the hell good are you?” Love had cried as she ran home to Slim’s apartment to tell him what had happened. Slim calmed and assured her that it was all part of the process. He told her there was no shame in it and that in no time it would be over, and Love would be a huge star. The next day Love returned to the office, the couch, and the golden, hairy man, and she had done everything he wanted. Love had felt so dirty. She didn’t give up however, she continued on following what Slim had assured her was her dream. He did not know that it was not his promises of stardom that had fueled her, but rather the pure love that she felt for Slim, and the love she believed Slim had for her. One man after defiling her proposed a stage name for Love, “We’ll call you Lust.” He said fondling Love. “Oh there going to love you honey.” Soon there were cameras and sets in addition to the casting couches. There were handsome men and pretty women doing similar things to Love. Then there were threesomes, gang bangs, and then there were no more orifices. And somewhere along the line, Love stopped feeling anything at all; she became Lust and acted only as the people with cameras commanded her to act. She had merely nodded in agreement when Slim had suggested that a couple minor cosmetic surgeries and topical alterations would push her over the top. So Love got breast implants, collagen injections, a new hair color and a Brazilian wax. And then it happened. Better cameras, better sets, and prettier people. Love was a star, be it mind you only in small somewhat limited circles, but a star no less. Hairy men got larger gold chains because of Love, Slim got a brand new luxury automobile because of Love, and pornographic websites got thousands of hits all because of Love. Love got dick (literally and ….). Well I suppose if you count the tears that welled on her pillow and her deflated sense of self worth, one could say Love got everything that was left over after all other parties had their fill. Love however like those that came before her soon became yesterday’s news. Slim left Love in his luxury car and began to search for a new, young impressionable girl. He had told Love “there simply isn’t any money in corrupting that which has already been corrupted.” Love batted an eyelash or two, and may have even shed a tear, but at this point, Love had few tears left to cry and had more or less become completely numb. Love was so numb in fact, that the transition from actress to whore was seamless. It was simply back alleys instead of movie sets, ugly men instead of handsome ones, and crumpled damp dollar bills that now provided for her as Slim had done previously. It was there among the too many hypodermic needles and the too few used condoms that Love would think of Peace and Happiness, and try to picture their faces. Love unfortunately came to find that Peace and Happiness were so far removed from where Love found herself, that she could not recall them . It was a particular angry, ugly, man, who found that defiling Love was not enough. He had found it necessary to pummel Love with his fists in an alley behind a Long John Silvers. He beat her until her cries of mercy were quieted to a gargle and her struggling body went limp. And there Love lay, at the bottom of the alley, at the top of a pile of decomposing cardboard, exploited until she no longer existed, her blood mixing with tears. And it was thusly Love left Happiness, Hollywood, the pretty people, the ugly ones, the back alley of Long John Silvers, and this world behind, and headed for that big candy factory in the sky. Happiness began drinking and smoking within a week of leaving the mall. He stayed at a YMCA shelter at night and inhabited seedy bars during the day. It would seem to reason that Happiness’s view of humanity would continue its decline after being exposed to such places. However, Happiness had managed to stumble upon some puddles of humanity in this world, where as the mall had been as dry as Death Valley. These were still puddles mind you but the drinking and smoking seemed to help the areas in-between puddles seem bearable. It was on a trip to the corner store for a pack of cigarettes and a six pack of beer that Happiness was discovered. Another man in another suit (this suit was expensive rather than merely presenting the façade of wealth). A man closer to moral fiber of Love’s Slim then away from it (with much better connections mind you) saw Happiness. He saw action figures, movie deals, and dollar signs. He stopped and offered Happiness a ride in his limousine and it was therein he explained to Happiness, that their simply wasn’t a better time in the history of civilization to be a penguin. The man made promises much like Slim, unlike Slim he delivered fully. He told Happiness there would be movies, and there were movies (buddy cop, romantic comedies, voice over work, and brief stint in bollywood). He told Happiness there would be advertising deals and there were (Nike, York Peppermint Patties, Axe Body Spray). He said there would be starlets and behold, there were starlets (the Olsen Twins). Happiness did Leno and Letterman (and the Olsen twins). Happiness hosted SNL (special musical guest Bono and his countless array of sunglasses) and had a guest spot on Lost as a mysterious Penguin. And somewhere along the line Happiness developed a $2,500 a day coke habit. The money wasn’t an issue in the sense he had plenty and could if he wished afford enough coke to run a fleet of heiresses, teen idols, and pop sensations. After an extended period of time Happiness began to have frequent nosebleeds. The nose bleeds were a minor annoyance; Happiness had people now, people who tried to make him happy. Happiness could make the same people, who had mistreated him at the mall, scream for joy by merely waving a flipper from a cracked window of his stretch hummer. The irony was not lost on Happiness. Happiness even had tabloid heat, if he bought milk at Whole Foods nations gawked. Happiness had a team of people dedicated to insuring that money was constantly flowing in from all directions (their existence hinged on his). Happiness even made good career moves and parlayed his commercial success into more serious films (Happiness even received an Oscar nomination for his work portraying a transgender, boxing, has been, with AIDS, and a retarded father). Occasionally though in those rare instances when Happiness was alone, he would think of Peace and Love and wonder what had become of them. He would even have his assistant make a note to look them up or give them a call. Happiness had every intention of calling his friends but, he never seemed to get around to it; he was after all a very busy man. Happiness bought cars, villas, islands, planes, and diamond incrusted jewelry. He dined at the White House and received a star on the walk of fame. He retired his tightly rolled $20 bill and began taking colorful rainbows of prescription pills. The doctor said they would make Happiness happy. After about a week, Happiness told the doctor that the pills didn’t seem to make him happy, but didn’t necessarily make him sad either. The doctor replied “Well what is happiness aside from the absence of unhappiness?” Happiness just shrugged his shoulders and swallowed more pills. Happiness not feeling happy but not necessarily sad poured millions of dollars into organized religion and amassed countless souvenirs (Buddhist prayer flags, Crucifixes, Kabala yarn, and receipts for auditing sessions from the Church of Scientology). Happiness continued to swallow pills and smile for cameras. Then one night while looking out at the surf crashing against the rocks below his Malibu home, Happiness took every last pill he had. Orange bottle after orange bottle, he chased with glass upon glass of the most expensive fermented liquids ever manufactured. Happiness thought of Love and Peace, and prayed that a better fate had become them. Happiness sunk deeper and deeper into his $4,000 calf skin office chair as nothingness wet its vast lips and eventually swallowed. And it was thusly Happiness left behind press junkets, limousines, organized religion, Malibu, and the carcasses of Peace and Love, and headed for that big candy factory in the sky. And it is there in a candy factory (which may or may not exist) that runs on dreams void of all things Unhappy, Unpeaceful, and Unloving, that Love, Peace, and Happiness dwell to this day. They eat mountains of candy hearts, marshmallows, and jelly beans, and drink rivers of Orange Julius. And it’s there, far away from the ills of the world, that they skip hand in hand fully appreciating one another’s company, their laughter ushering in both night and day. |
