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{photography is for jerkoffs} blognigger “…shot by Terry Richardson.” Ohhhh, these four little words just get my clit into a kykewrench. I’ve never been able to tolerate this sentiment - it’s like a pretension and shit sandwich on a chalkboard: The idea that it matters one iota who TAKES a photograph of a supermodel’s tits (as long as they meet a certain standard of technical competence that is roughly equivalent to what it takes to operate a gmail account) is just beyond offensive. This abortion of artistic justice cannot stand- it is therefore my duty to explain why… PHOTOGRAPHY IS FOR JERKOFFS. Now: The modern practice of Photography belongs to a genre of psuedo-art that I refer to as “Auto-Pilot Jizzcock.” Other prominent pseudo-arts in the Auto-Pilot Jizzcock genre include: DJ-ing and Sampling. 1) DJ-ing - Oh Christ the ATTITUDE from these Lawn-Gisland mulletted fucks - just for playing a bunch of CDs at a party! Take DJ AM for example: (Too soon?) Now, I don’t think he should have gotten into a plane crash or anything - I’m TERRIFIED of planes and he’s the fucking man for surviving that shit with money and stop drop and roll, and he’s also the man for taking advantage of stupid people and society to the point where he can fuck Nicole Ritchie and make tons of money just for playing CDs. Jesus Christ though — the attitude!! The little jewish bastid has to PUSH A FUCKING BUTTON and then music by other people comes out of a stereo! At press time, DJs can be 90% replaced by an iPod playlist, and hopefully in the near future as more advanced technologies become affordable, all DJs will starve. (p.s. Don’t you fags dare bend my words to make it sound like I’m dissing musical geniuses like the Invisibl Skratch Piklz) 2) Sampling - This pseudo-art makes shooting heroin and doing pushups look like composing The Rite of Spring. To make matters worse, sampling has the unique value-add of being able to ruin the original genius of the source material. It’s like music AIDS that songs can randomly catch after you know and love them. Here are the top three worst sampling offenses of all time: - Vanilla Ice stealing Bowie - Puff Daddy or some other useless chapstick-wearing black person stealing Kashmir - Kid Rock stealing Skynyrd and Zevon and putting them together to creating this frankenstein piece of shit which is literally the worst song I’ve ever heard including my mom’s moans as she was fucking my uncle with me in her womb. Now to photography. There’s a part of photography that I DO think is impressive: a) Ansel Adams going to the north fucking pole and shit? Props. That shit is HARD. It’s cold and there are fucking BEARS and no food. Creds. b) Niggas going into war zones and shit and taking shit like this and this without throwing up or getting killed? PROPS. Now that that’s outta the way, let’s take a look at the other 99.99999% of photographers who take pictures like the following and have little girls like Anastasia rubbing their legs together like crickets over it:     You know what fucking genius photogapher took all this bullshit? No, not fucking Terry Bozzio or whoever photographed that other picture taken on 9-11 (all taken by totally random shmoes) better than any other photograph you’ve ever seen? It’s because photography is Auto-Pilot Jizzcock. If you are taking pictures of something that’s FUCKING INCREDIBLE, your photograph will then be better than the best picture that the best photographer can take of a piece of dogshit. For example: Imagine you had a real picture of GOD or a UFO or Barak Obama fucking Osama Bin Laden in his anteater ass? If you just happened to be lucky enough to see one of those things and have a camera with you, you would instantly be known as the best photographer of all time. You could never in a million years say the same thing about a real art: Let’s say you saw GOD or a UFO and then WROTE about it. Your writing would still suck shit and be way worse than James Joyce or Jim Goad’s killer works. That’s because writing is a real art that you can’t just push a button and have a machine do for you. To recap: VAN GOGH’s oil painting of dogshit is better than your oil painting of GOD!!! The same is not true of photographs. Okay, one last thing. In case you do decide to take photographs, the least you can do is to try to be truly creative and utilitarian, and I can help. Here is my current project which I need someone with bigger balls than me to help with: My new jam is taking pictures of white girls’ hands on the subway while they hold onto the metal train poles. Here’s why: As you might know, I’m mad into handjobs from white chicks. So, my plan is to take these pictures and then photoshop dicks into their hands instead of the poles so that it looks like real girls giving handjobs on the train. Even typing that much is giving me a semi-lobber. Here’s what I have so far:  Photoshopping is a bit hard but I plan to download some clip art called the “handcock megapack,” which is a series of dicks with little hand-and-knuckle shapes cut out as a transparencies - it’s supposedly used for exactly this purpose. Here’s my problem: I have to use my shitty little phone cam to take these subway flix cause I’m too scared of getting busted to use a real camera. If you are a real photographer you should be ballsy enough to take these pictures yourself AND know how to photoshop dicks in for me. I prefer ones with nailpolish and manicures the most (hands not the dicks) so if you can help me out with any part of this, you know where to find me. Take care, Blognigger. Reprinted from: www.streetbonersandtvcarnage.com |
