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{mondegreen} ray sweatman We're having a menage a trois on the kitchen table, the lobster, the light and me, the sun no longer a voyeur but a live and willing participant. And I was just saying to the lobster as I stroke his soft sacrificial flesh with iridescent butter: 'You see it undulating in this bottle? All I got to do is put a cork on it and it's mine forever.' But as soon as I try, the bottle spins and I'm in the closet edging closer and closer to lips that whisper, 'Make the most of it darling. Your 7 minutes are almost up.' And sure enough 1978 is 2008 and the gal in the closet is just another mistake trying to escape, singing 'Excuse me, while I kiss this guy.' Which I heard as 'Yes I'll marry you and we'll live happily ever after.' Meanwhile, my brother storms in the room booming his best Jersey soul, 'When i find my beautiful red watch!' He keeps right on looking and singing, under the bed, in the creases of the couch. While outside, they're trying to paint all the yellow school buses red as if time could be stopped in a brush of inspiration. And all the signs have been changed to read: 'Other than fish, no pets allowed." When at the door, it's both Merriam and Webster come to exchange all the old words which have lost their meaning for the lanky promise of brand new ones. 'Instead of love, happiness, bliss, hope, time, war, death and peace, I think it's time you try these: pescatarian, norovirus, mondegreen, prosecco, soju, endamame, dwarf planet, dirty bomb, wing nut.' 'But I'm still trying to figure out the old ones.' Merciless, they leave me to my hot tub, which is starting to boil like a tourist in a Jimmy Buffet song who just stepped on a pop tart as I try a few of those new words on my tongue and the light cackles like all things that won't be held captive when a tremendous hand reaches out to grab me like a hungry Adam longing for a rib in the Sistine Chapel. 'Endamame! Endamame! ' I shriek… But there's no one there to hear me except for the Captain of Noah's Returning Ark, who looks like a cross between the dwarf on Fantasy Island and the dude from Love Boat back from a long journey with solo animals who lost their mates along the way. Oh and Ulysses is there too, telling fresh tales from divorce court. 'What the hell? Did you think I was gonna wait forever while you have your fun with Sirens and Cyclops and whathaveyou!' And he's leading the animals in a singsong: 'Prosecco and Soju for everyone!' But I'm beginning to think it's just another stretch along Giraffe Highway, blue tooths, moon roofs and long necks lost in their respective mental safaris straining to see the goldfish in the trees and hear the muffled shuffle of strange folk walking crustaceans in the mondegreen horizon. |
