{and of because like excuses} shanti perez

{and of because like excuses}
shanti perez

and when she talks nonstop it feels wasteful to try
and get a word in edgewise, anywhere, along the line
of conversation she’s having with herself—a justification
of sorts, an excuse piled atop another excuse,
because she does not wish to hear the truth
because it means she will have to take responsibility,
like some duty, an act of trust, she has long avoided
like saying yes when she means no.

and she tells you how wrong she is, how bad
and how absent she’s been—all these years
of others who have wondered where she’s been
of those who’ve been better off, she says, without her
because she didn’t know what she wanted
because she couldn’t pull it together
like that makes a difference now
like coming back then leaving again is right

and it will always be on other people
and they will hear about it second hand
of how they do not make things happen
of how they have not done enough to open doors
because she has had every chance she denies
because of other people who do not hold her hand
like she says she needs
like when she feels victimized

and of because like now she has
and of because like what she claimed
of because like how they kept from her
of because like how all these years
because like she wasn’t ready
because like for it to be all up to her
like to make the call
like now