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{trout fishing in america... drunk} mike katz Drinking means different things to different people. For some, it’s a casual activity to stimulate conversation among friends. Others just enjoy the uninhibited freedom that drinking provides. And some people use it as an excuse to claim they don’t remember having sex with me. But whatever reasons you may have for drinking, the fact remains that drinking is never a bad thing. Unless you’re in a fraternity and then you’ll probably end up getting a dick drawn on your forehead as you slowly die of alcohol poisoning. Dick drawings rule. If you haven’t planned ahead, you can find yourself very drunk with nothing to do, and depending on how much you suck, you might also be by yourself. Being really drunk by yourself can feel weird if you don’t have years of practice, but fear not. There are plenty of things you can do to avoid becoming a pathetic mess of shame and tears. I usually kick things off with a trip to the gas station. It’s only a few blocks away, but it’s a good idea to drive. Walking around drunk and alone is a surefire way to get attacked by a dog, and driving when you’re drunk is a good opportunity to pretend you’re flying a jet… which would be awesome. Once you’re at the gas station, you’ll realize that all the food there looks really good. I usually gravitate towards the burrito and sandwich section. If you’re about to buy a sandwich and you realize that you don’t have enough money, you’re first instinct will be to steal that shit. Then you’ll remember that you go to that same gas station every morning before school, so you should probably just put the sandwich back and get one of those meat-stick and cheese things, or some combos. After a good 20 minutes of eating Combos and watching Rock of Love Tour Bus, you’ll come to the depressing realization that most of the combos are gone and your dad hates you. But just because you didn’t amount to even a fraction of what your dad wanted you to be doesn’t mean you can’t call him and lie to him about how great its been going lately. The conversation should go something like this: “Hey dad, it’s Mike.” “Hi Michael. Shouldn’t you be in class right now?” “Uhh… I finished the test early and now I’m doing homework in the library.” “Really? Because it sounds like you’re crying.” “No.” “God damnit Michael you’re drunk aren’t you. Why don’t you get off your ass and do something with your life?” “Actually, dad, I am doing something. I just took out a loan and I’m gonna start, like, a store. And I’m gonna be the president of it.” “No you didn’t.” “And I got a super-fine new girlfriend who gives me blowjobs all the time. You got any shit like that going on? I don’t think so." "Listen Mike, I’m at the Casino. I need to go but do you want me to bring you back one of those cheese-steaks you like?” “Yes please.” Following the great success of your phone call, you’ll be riding high and thinking about cheese steaks. But don’t get too excited, because you’re about to remember that you need to get laid immediately. After calling every girl in your phone, and then calling your sister back to leave a message apologizing for the first message you left because you thought she was another Sarah, you’ll turn to the internet. The internet is nature’s most awesome way to blow it with the ladies when you’re drunk. As opposed to an actual conversation, you can never claim you really said something else when it’s written on the internet. You will most likely also send inappropriate messages to your friend’s girlfriends because nobody is there to remind you that it’s a bad idea. Since you’re already at the computer, you’ll probably end up doing what you usually do at the computer, which is to start looking at porn about 20 seconds before your dad gets home. Your overall drunkenness will cause you to hastily shut down the operation and maybe forget to close a browser window. Better luck next time. From Mike Katz's website: partygay.blogspot.com |
