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{pms: perfect mental state} celeste la vie We don’t know each other very well but I’d like to discuss my menstrual cycle. Wait, where are you going?! I should say that I am not a gynecologist or an endocrinologist, I just have a pair of fabulous ovaries and I’d like to tell you about how they have been working out for me so far. I can only claim to be an expert about my own personal flesh but I feel that I might be able to provide a point of view that you may not have yet considered. If you want the opinion of the men in white coats there is plenty of it out there to be had but frankly I think they can go fuck themselves. Let’s start with saying that I wouldn’t be much of a feminist if I didn’t point out that the “syndrome” part of PMS is misguided, an overreaction, and an excuse to medicate. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE a little medication, but it’s exactly what the pharmaceutical companies did to boisterous kids- gave them ADD. Having a Syndrome or Disorder or whatever it takes to get a prescription is better that having to just deal with what the real situation is. You have to understand that the hormones at work in the female body are really at work, they have a purpose. If there ever was a time to be dissatisfied with: MYSELF, that loaf of bread, the car, the cat, the dude on the street corner, plastic bags, pennies, presidents, slow walkers, slow talkers, personal space invaders, mumblers, shitty programming, manipulative advertising, bad coffee, bad music, bad breath, bad manners, bad interior design, bad public art, late public transportation, poor city planning, mispronunciation, incorrect maps, dust, irrelevant issues in political campaigns, a bad parking job, an SUV well parked or not, a less than stellar haircut, YOU, that ugly shower curtain, global warming and the whole damn planet in general is when we are faced with the possibility and responsibility of bringing another HUMAN BEING into this shithole of a world. Stripped down to its essentials our cycle is meant to produce an egg and find a suitable i.e. strong, smart, cute, sweet, reliable FATHER type to fertilize it and eventually rear it. So what I’m saying is that women do not become the irritable and unreasonable harpies marketed to by pharmaceutical companies and vilified men in general. It’s just that you don’t measure up. Sorry, nothing does really. I’m not making this up. It’s during the second half of the cycle that PMS, and lets just say that the “s” stands for situation or sight or suck-my-left-one, occurs. This is the luteal phase and for the first day or so the egg is still hanging out waiting for sperm. You mostly get sperm from having sex so we might want that, immediately, seriously can you take off your pants now? NOW?! In the following days the uterus is waiting for the fertilized egg to land in its nice comfy lining. Everything is waiting, building an environment ideal for a fetus, maybe even on some level hoping. What’s going on here is the biological equivalent of decorating the nursery. Personally during this time I feel smarter, I have more attention to detail and I’m more creative. I might even have something like extra-sensory-perception and I just feel more alive. I like to use my powers for good instead of evil. Yeah I’m the nutcase in the neighborhood that vacuums at 11pm but hell, the rest of the time i can’t possibly be bothered to notice the dust bunnies. I’ll start an art project or write the letters I have been putting off. I’m just better at this stuff during this time. So what if I get bloated? During the other half of the cycle I have no problem eating a pile of white rice and puffing up like parade balloon. I’m still smokin hot. So what if my breasts are tender? I rub them or maybe outsource that job and ……. So what if I get a headache? I’ve certainly done worse to myself with booze, and I can just smoke a bowl and go back to bed. I’m not saying that for every one of over 200 listed PMS “symptoms” i have a smart ass solution. I’m just saying that these stupid flesh vehicles we are all cursed with, men as well as women, have their flaws and inconveniences and flatulence and it’s better to just deal with it than to dwell on it. If you can find a way to not hate or even enjoy the rough parts then maybe getting up every day can be less of a pain in the ass. As with every other annoying physical situation there is a list of recommended lifestyle changes to help alleviate the pain. It goes something like, get more exercise, drink less coffee, drink less booze, eat better, get lots of rest, and so on. Now there is a recipe for disaster! Anyway, we all know what happens next. There are so many euphemisms that I’m not even going to get started. Let’s just say that after the flurry of activity and intensified awareness and its subsequent disgust with the general state of the world bleeding is a big fat relief. |
