a walk in the daffodils or i'm real sorry to have misled you but suck it up celeste lavie In the spring when even the thorny weeds are tender and the winter was just a bad movie, i sit on the front porch with a feeling of contentedness and relief. I also enjoy the smell of wet cement. In the fall, well lets just say it's all I can do to get out of bed without drugs. I have to stay away from downtown for fear that I'll conveniently find myself on top of a deliciously dizzying building. I wouldn't jump as much as I'd attempt to fly, soar and careen, trying to work in a few flips and twists before the satisfied thud. Because that would be way more fun than trying to bullshit my way through another winter. This emotional swingset perhaps explains why all my lovers end up confused and hating me. Yeah, I can get real excited in love and be a good girlfriend quite a long time. I can be devoted and full of life, a bright light of love for those boys to bask in. Eventually though I'll just run out of steam leaving them confused as to why I shut down so slow, why I am repulsed instead of turned on, why I cant sleep next to them let alone all tangled up in them. I know this will happen and sometimes I even try to warn them but in the freshness of new love they never believe that I could be so cold, so prickly. And sometimes I don't either, but I do it every damn time. When I was younger I had the right idea, a new boy on a weekly basis. I guess I thought I was behaving more like an adult when I let the boys linger, got more attached and even made an effort to remember their names. But honestly, what the fuck is so grown up about this fairy tale of one true love and happily ever after? It's bullshit. It's a story for the kiddies so we won't have to explain the sordid and racy facts of anonymous sex and fleeting love. But let's not get all depressed, there is real joy here. What is better than discovering that you have the capacity to love again after heartbreak? That you in fact love love, that you have a huge capacity for it? It's just an unavoidable fact there will always be an autumn and things will wither. You just have to remember how delicious, how fucking green spring is.